So I haven’t posted in a while…

Because I have been too busy fully drinking from the cup of LIFE!

By which I mean I’ve been sitting around in my Wonder Woman Underoos eating cheesy poofs and looking at hideous tattoos.

Check out this beauty:

I’ll be performing a few songs and  a story for my friend Aaron (Duckmandu’s) very last cabaret at the Fishtank on Sunday night:

10$ donation

3405 Piedmont Ave Oakland

Starts at 6 and goes till midnight or till we run out of acts

open mike

Oct 17th

I’ll be singing dirty songs and telling dirty stories. Come on down!

Okay, in a minute I’ll do the round up on my recent performances but first this:

Anyhoo, right now I am making more chili than I could ever eat in the whole history of the world, so I’ll freeze a whole bunch of it, which will necessitate throwing out an assload of uneaten frozen food which I bought because sometimes I do my grocery shopping high and which I will never eat ever ever and than I’ll try to label the chili with a sharpie and date it but it will smear and then much much later I’ll look in the freezer and see that there’s nothing to eat except some really freezer-burned old chili that has been in there god known how long so I’ll get high and go to the grocery store and buy a whole bunch of frozen food and then come back  home and throw out the chili and fill the freezer..

It’s the circle of life.

I think.

I might be wrong about that but at any rate it is a complex and beautiful ritual, reminiscent of sand paintings and mandalas, the Burning Man temple burn and old women in a park in China practicing sword play, an elegant reminder of the fleeting temporal nature of our lives. Or it is yet more proof that I am blisteringly incompetent at almost everything I do.

I read some quote once that had been scraped with a key into a car: the way you do anything is the way you do everything. This chili, for instance, is the way I do everything: I plunge recklessly into a project, a love, a vat of lubricant, and splash around vigorously but with no real plan  and then I shake myself off vigorously like a dog , besmattering and besmirching everything around me, and then lollop off into the next thing dirty and emotionally sloppy, and ready to get everything around me dirty as well. It’s a sort of half-assed but full throttle enthusiasm which is my fucking hallmark. And every once in a while, it works.

My artistic shit:

People ask me whether I’m working on anything new and the answer is NO. I was going to, I met with my director, but the secret inner voice has been saying that I should work on my book and then Pitchapalooza rolled around and gave me some hope, I am now going to gallop off in that direction. So there won’t be a lot of live performances for the next few months. I will though pop up from time to time when specifically asked to tell stories by my friends who run storytelling series and that is what I have been doing for the past few weeks.

The DAY after Pitchapalooza I told a Burning Man story at Fireside. I was asked on Monday, said yes, and whipped it together in less than a day because all day the day before I was pitchapaloozing.  Fireside has really grown, this was a big event, I felt unprepared, and they made me the finale. Oh, and my ex boyfriend was filming the whole shebang, but that was okay because we’re buddies now.  He promised that he would make me look good and put a border of hearts and stars around my story and draw horns and mustaches on everyone else. I really wish he would  but I doubt it, the big pussy. That’s right, Nate! I’m calling you out! I know you read my blog! PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY!

When he’s done I’ll link the story here. Because of this story my daughter now thinks I’m retarded and calls me “little miss cat tranquilizers.” Well, fair enough.

I also Klowned with Bawdy for the Wednesday event and told a story for Bawdy in the Alley at Litcrawl. I wish someone had taken a pic of that, because I had this awesome penis visual aid that Froghole the Klown drew for me (Alex Blanck, and he is AWESOME!). The event was super super fun, and just made me realize how glad I am that among my friends, everyone has stories about big dicks and drag queens and sex parties and nasty back alley ass sex. It’s the kind of life I always wanted to lead. And now I do.

Chili’s ready. Gonna eat a bowl with fritos crumbled in it, sloppy with cheese and sour cream. If you like really meaty chili, come over to my house this week. I can’t eat it all!


Introducing…Slurp the Clown (it’s a suggestion)

So at Burning Man this year, Slurp the clown was born, thanks to a ramble with Froghole where we debated at length various verb clown names: Goose the Clown, Lick the Clown, Go-Down-On the clown. But we decided on Slurp. Slurp danced and tormented a virgin and had a good old time, and when the porn clowns showed up en masse for Bawdy Storytelling, Slurp was there, and became MOST PHOTOGRAPHED CLOWN.  It turns out that Slurp gets hit on more than me, and man, is that clown slutty. On the way back to her car, Slurp was yelled at from passing cars, photographed with hot girls and hit on one final time by a dom who had noticed Slurp’s collar.He wanted to know if Slurp was owned. slurp said no, it was just a fashion thing, but don’t get uptight about it: the only time you should have a stick up your ass is when you actually have a stick up your ass.

Oh wait and she was asked to go to a party by dudes who were driving around her neighborhood. She cured a man’s coulrophobia, or so he said, and kicked off someone else’s.

There’s a

Slurp’s lyric was Shengalengaleng.

pic of Slurp by Ouchy’s side helping to lead a sing along at Bawdy:

I will be telling a story at Clarion Alley at 8:30 Saturday night and would be THRILLED if people came out to support me, by the way. Unfortunately, Slurp won’t be able to make it that night. But if you tell me you came because you saw my blog, I’ll bake you a cherry pie and I won’t even throw it in your face (limit two!)


Pitchaplooza Update

I did not win Pitchapalooza but I feel like I did, because David Henry Sterry (he’s awesome!) has found me on twitter and said kind things and offers of help for my book.

This has turned a corner for me; before I always felt like I was probably kidding myself and the book would never really be done, much less published. But a little objective praise from a stranger and I feel ready to dive into work optimistic. Unfortunately what with grading, clowning, and Bawdy’s Litcrawl next week, I have no time to work on the book. Next weekend though. Yeah. I promise.